June 30, 2018
At the moment, I am in room 204, proctoring the final exam of my class TP 1 class.
So, this is my first blog update after Mom passed away, on June 17, 2018 at 11.40. :( Of course, I let her go peacefully, but I think it is understandable if I still sometimes need to cry, don't I? Perhaps I still need to mourn my own destiny for not having a (living) mother; or perhaps I still need to cry to remember that I always think it was not enough for me to do my best to take care of Mom. :( Before Lebaran break started, I thought I would spend my whole break to be at her side, to take care of her, as a compensation that I was mostly outside the house before that, or when I was at home, I would make myself busy doing other chores, especially in the kitchen, so that Noek and Riz would have time to take care of Mom.
The fact was different. :( On the last day of my working day before that Lebaran break, I was still with the girls for iftar or breakfasting, Angie asked me to go home soon because we needed to take Mom to the hospital as soon as possible. I directly went home. That night, Riz, her hubby, Angie and I took Mom to the hospital; Noek was at home to take care of the babies, Rani and Adek. Mom had to be put in the ICU room directly that night. I was not as worried as I was in April, the first time Mom had to be put in the ICU room because, well, that was not our first experience. Of course, we expected that Mom would not spend long time to be in the room.
But the story was not like our expectation. Mom had to be in the ICU room until her final breath in this world. :(
Sunday morning, 10 June 2018, one nurse invited me to enter the ICU room, to ask for my permission to give some medicines and do some actions to Mom, around 6 in the morning. After I had signed some documents, she let me visit Mom in her room. Mom was awake at that time, she was trying to speak to me but she could not really produce clear voice / words. Some words she clearly said were that she was looking for Riz, my youngest sister, "Riska ndi? Ibu meh maem tahune." Tahu bacem was one food she seemed that she could enjoy eating it during he final days. I directly said to the nurse that Mom was hungry; the nurse just smiled and said, "Nanti akan diberi jus buah jam setengah delapan." Wedew ... Mom was hungry at six; but she would be given something one and a half hour later. :( I wished I had had something for her munching at that time :(
If I am not mistaken, that was our last communication. :( After that, whenever I had time to visit her room, she was asleep.
Noek's last communication was on Monday, 11 June 2018; in the morning visiting hours, Noek told her that on that day Yusdi, our brother would come to Semarang with his wife, "because next Friday is lebaran," Mom responded, "tenane?"
The same day, in the evening visiting hours, Yusdi and his wife visited Mom in her room. Shockingly she said to them, "pergi! sana pergi!" At that time, I was in the waiting room of ICU patients with my two nieces and their dad. (Riz was in Mom's room.) When Yusdi and his wife were back to the waiting room, and reported to me what Mom said, I directly hurried to Mom's room. When I arrived there, Mom was asleep soundly.
That was the last moment Mom opened her eyes and talked to us. The following days, whenever we visited her, we would find her asleep soundly. Without our awareness, though, her condition was deteriorating quickly. :( Although her doctor already gave her maximum medication, we could not make her conscious again. She, in fact, was unconscious, while we thought she was asleep soundly.
We did not realize Mom was approaching her final day. :( I personally was always concerned with the very low blood pressure of Mom that we could see in the 'monitor'. However, I still had optimism that it would go up again.
Friday 15 June 2018, lebaran, Angie and I stayed at the hospital. We did not do that morning yearly ritual -- attending Idul Fitri prayer. Noek came to the hospital around 09.30. After that, Angie and I went home. We went back to the hospital around 08.00 pm. That night, doctor Ilham called me to talk about Mom's condition. He was concerned why Mom's condition was not getting better after all maximum medication had been given to Mom. He could not find out what triggered it. Therefore, he wanted to involve a 'dokter syaraf' to find out why.
Saturday 16 June 2018, suddenly a doctor (the same one who accepted Mom when we came on Saturday 9 June at IGD) suggested that we use a 'ventilator' to help Mom's heart to work. Oh my ... was it that bad? :( That word -- ventilator -- was not new to us because we had heard it from Dini's story about her mom. (Dini is Noek's old friend.) After Noek came to the hospital, we finally permitted the hospital to use ventilator. When knowing that it cost around 3,5 million rupiah per day, we were broken-hearted.
And just like that ... we realized that Mom's condition was really deteriorating quickly.
As easy and quick as that we suddenly thought that perhaps it was high time for us to let Mom go. My optimism was gone away.
Noek and I talked about the possibility that it was high time for us to let Mom go. Honestly, we would not be able to afford the expenses if Mom had to stay in the hospital -- with that kind of medication and all the equipment 'installed' in her -- for a long time. After that, I talked to Riz about that possibility. She was crying loudly.
That Saturday, I didn't leave the hospital. Angie went home by herself, I chose to stay to accompany Noek. Suddenly I realized how fragile we would be if we were all alone attending Mom in the hospital in such a condition.
Saturday evening, Noek, Riz and I visited Mom during the visiting hours. Her blood pressure did not rise significantly. However, when Riz was crying in Mom's room, Mom's blood pressure rose a bit. This gave me my optimism back for a while.
Sunday 17 June 2018, Noek arrived perhaps around 09.15. I was confused whether I would stay in the hospital again to accompany Noek or would go home to take a shower and change clothes. I finally decided to stay. Around 10.00 Noek and Riz (who also already arrived at the hospital) visited Mom in her room. Angie and I still stayed in the waiting room, with Rani, Adek, and their dad. Not long after that, Noek went back to the waiting room, telling me bad news. One doctor said that Mom's condition didn't show any significant progress after that ventilator had been used. If anything wrong happen, would the family let Mom go, or would we ask the hospital to do anything, let's say pump her heart. Angie and I directly hurried to Mom's room. Riz was there, she looked ... mmm I don't remember. :(
I greeted Mom, "Mami ... jika memang Mami mau pergi, kita sudah ikhlas. Mami pergi saja. Mungkin memang Mami sudah lelah menjaga anak-anak sendirian selama 29 tahun setelah Papi pergi." After saying that, I cried. Mom looked calmer, oh well, her taking breath seemed calmer than before. Perhaps my telling her that we were ready to let her go calmed her.
Perhaps around 11.00 Riz went away with her small family. Her hubby asked her and the kids to visit a relative.
Meanwhile, Noek, Angie, and I stayed in Mom's room. We were busy looking at Mom's taking (her final) breaths and the monitor. Not long after that, perhaps around 11.20, I didn't see any 'number' showing Mom's blood pressure in the monitor. Her blood pressure failed to be detected by the monitor. 5 minutes like that, the nurse entered Mom's room, trying to locate the mistake in the monitor. When she realized there was no mistake in the equipment, she pressed the alarm, to invite most nurses in the ICU room, including the doctor.
Her gone blood pressure was the sign that she was gone. The doctor chose time 11.40 the moment Mom passed away.
Goodbye my dearest sweetest Mom. You will absolutely be always missed and remembered.
We love you a lot.
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