Mom passed away

June 30, 2018

Saturday / Samedi

At the moment, I am in room 204, proctoring the final exam of my class TP 1 class.

So, this is my first blog update after Mom passed away, on June 17, 2018 at 11.40. :( Of course, I let her go peacefully, but I think it is understandable if I still sometimes need to cry, don't I? Perhaps I still need to mourn my own destiny for not having a (living) mother; or perhaps I still need to cry to remember that I always think it was not enough for me to do my best to take care of Mom. :( Before Lebaran break started, I thought I would spend my whole break to be at her side, to take care of her, as a compensation that I was mostly outside the house before that, or when I was at home, I would make myself busy doing other chores, especially in the kitchen, so that Noek and Riz would have time to take care of Mom.

The fact was different. :( On the last day of my working day before that Lebaran break, I was still with the girls for iftar or breakfasting, Angie asked me to go home soon because we needed to take Mom to the hospital as soon as possible. I directly went home. That night, Riz, her hubby, Angie and I took Mom to the hospital; Noek was at home to take care of the babies, Rani and Adek. Mom had to be put in the ICU room directly that night. I was not as worried as I was in April, the first time Mom had to be put in the ICU room because, well, that was not our first experience. Of course, we expected that Mom would not spend long time to be in the room.

But the story was not like our expectation. Mom had to be in the ICU room until her final breath in this world. :(

Sunday morning, 10 June 2018, one nurse invited me to enter the ICU room, to ask for my permission to give some medicines and do some actions to Mom, around 6 in the morning. After I had signed some documents, she let me visit Mom in her room. Mom was awake at that time, she was trying to speak to me but she could not really produce clear voice / words. Some words she clearly said were that she was looking for Riz, my youngest sister, "Riska ndi? Ibu meh maem tahune." Tahu bacem was one food she seemed that she could enjoy eating it during he final days. I directly said to the nurse that Mom was hungry; the nurse just smiled and said, "Nanti akan diberi jus buah jam setengah delapan." Wedew ... Mom was hungry at six; but she would be given something one and a half hour later. :( I wished I had had something for her munching at that time :(

If I am not mistaken, that was our last communication. :( After that, whenever I had time to visit her room, she was asleep.

Noek's last communication was on Monday, 11 June 2018; in the morning visiting hours, Noek told her that on that day Yusdi, our brother would come to Semarang with his wife, "because next Friday is lebaran," Mom responded, "tenane?"

The same day, in the evening visiting hours, Yusdi and his wife visited Mom in her room. Shockingly she said to them, "pergi! sana pergi!" At that time, I was in the waiting room of ICU patients with my two nieces and their dad. (Riz was in Mom's room.) When Yusdi and his wife were back to the waiting room, and reported to me what Mom said, I directly hurried to Mom's room. When I arrived there, Mom was asleep soundly.

That was the last moment Mom opened her eyes and talked to us. The following days, whenever we visited her, we would find her asleep soundly. Without our awareness, though, her condition was deteriorating quickly. :( Although her doctor already gave her maximum medication, we could not make her conscious again. She, in fact, was unconscious, while we thought she was asleep soundly.

We did not realize Mom was approaching her final day. :( I personally was always concerned with the very low blood pressure of Mom that we could see in the 'monitor'. However, I still had optimism that it would go up again.

Friday 15 June 2018, lebaran, Angie and I stayed at the hospital. We did not do that morning yearly ritual -- attending Idul Fitri prayer. Noek came to the hospital around 09.30. After that, Angie and I went home. We went back to the hospital around 08.00 pm. That night, doctor Ilham called me to talk about Mom's condition. He was concerned why Mom's condition was not getting better after all maximum medication had been given to Mom. He could not find out what triggered it. Therefore, he wanted to involve a 'dokter syaraf' to find out why.

Saturday 16 June 2018, suddenly a doctor (the same one who accepted Mom when we came on Saturday 9 June at IGD) suggested that we use a 'ventilator' to help Mom's heart to work. Oh my ... was it that bad? :( That word -- ventilator -- was not new to us because we had heard it from Dini's story about her mom. (Dini is Noek's old friend.) After Noek came to the hospital, we finally permitted the hospital to use ventilator. When knowing that it cost around 3,5 million rupiah per day, we were broken-hearted.

And just like that ... we realized that Mom's condition was really deteriorating quickly.

As easy and quick as that we suddenly thought that perhaps it was high time for us to let Mom go. My optimism was gone away.

Noek and I talked about the possibility that it was high time for us to let Mom go. Honestly, we would not be able to afford the expenses if Mom had to stay in the hospital -- with that kind of medication and all the equipment 'installed' in her -- for a long time. After that, I talked to Riz about that possibility. She was crying loudly.

That Saturday, I didn't leave the hospital. Angie went home by herself, I chose to stay to accompany Noek. Suddenly I realized how fragile we would be if we were all alone attending Mom in the hospital in such a condition.

Saturday evening, Noek, Riz and I visited Mom during the visiting hours. Her blood pressure did not rise significantly. However, when Riz was crying in Mom's room, Mom's blood pressure rose a bit. This gave me my optimism back for a while.

Sunday 17 June 2018, Noek arrived perhaps around 09.15. I was confused whether I would stay in the hospital again to accompany Noek or would go home to take a shower and change clothes. I finally decided to stay. Around 10.00 Noek and Riz (who also already arrived at the hospital) visited Mom in her room. Angie and I still stayed in the waiting room, with Rani, Adek, and their dad. Not long after that, Noek went back to the waiting room, telling me bad news. One doctor said that Mom's condition didn't show any significant progress after that ventilator had been used. If anything wrong happen, would the family let Mom go, or would we ask the hospital to do anything, let's say pump her heart. Angie and I directly hurried to Mom's room. Riz was there, she looked ... mmm I don't remember. :(

I greeted Mom, "Mami ... jika memang Mami mau pergi, kita sudah ikhlas. Mami pergi saja. Mungkin memang Mami sudah lelah menjaga anak-anak sendirian selama 29 tahun setelah Papi pergi." After saying that, I cried. Mom looked calmer, oh well, her taking breath seemed calmer than before. Perhaps my telling her that we were ready to let her go calmed her.

Perhaps around 11.00 Riz went away with her small family. Her hubby asked her and the kids to visit a relative.

Meanwhile, Noek, Angie, and I stayed in Mom's room. We were busy looking at Mom's taking (her final) breaths and the monitor. Not long after that, perhaps around 11.20, I didn't see any 'number' showing Mom's blood pressure in the monitor. Her blood pressure failed to be detected by the monitor. 5 minutes like that,  the nurse entered Mom's room, trying to locate the mistake in the monitor. When she realized there was no mistake in the equipment, she pressed the alarm, to invite most nurses in the ICU room, including the doctor.

Her gone blood pressure was the sign that she was gone. The doctor chose time 11.40 the moment Mom passed away.

Goodbye my dearest sweetest Mom. You will absolutely be always missed and remembered.

We love you a lot.

P an t a i

"Kamu pernah dengar ga orangtua zaman dulu biasa mengajak anak balitanya ke pantai / laut jika si anak sakit batuk ga sembuh-sembuh? Konon jika si anak dimandikan di air laut di pagi hari, batuknya akan segera pergi, dan si anak sehat kembali," tanyaku pada Ranz.

Pagi itu kita sedang duduk-duduk di pinggir pantai Marina, sambil memandang keriaan anak-anak yang sedang bermain air. Sebagian bermain-main sendiri, sebagian lain bermain dengan orangtuanya masing-masing.

Mendengar pertanyaanku, Ranz pun menoleh padaku, dengan mimik wajah heran.

"Belum pernah. Tapi, beneran tuh kemudian batuknya hilang setelah dibawa ke pantai?" tanyanya balik.

"Seingatku sih iya; baik berdasarkan pengalaman pribadiku waktu masih kecil, maupun ketika Angie, anakku, masih kecil," jawabku, sedikit heran ternyata tidak semua orang pernah mendengar mitos air laut maupun udara laut yang bisa menyembuhkan batuk.

"Bagaimana orangtuaku akan mengajariku tentang hal ini ya lha wong kita hidup di Solo, yang jauh dari pantai?"

"Ah ... iya! Mungkin karena kalian hidup di kota yang jauh dari pantai maka tidak ada perbincangan maupun praktek membawa anak-anak yang sedang sakit batuk ke pantai!" jawabku riang.

Aku pikir apakah hanya orang-orang Semarang saja yang percaya bahwa hawa laut bagus untuk kesehatan. Tapi kemudian aku berpikir lagi, mungkin bukan orang Semarang, melainkan karena kedua orangtuaku dari Gorontalo yang juga terletak tak jauh dari pinggir laut.

Ketika aku share paragraf pertama di atas di akun facebook-ku, ada beberapa komen yang masuk. Satu komen menyatakan kesetujuan; waktu anak-anaknya kecil batuk, dia bawa mereka ke pantai. FYI, dia saat ini tinggal di Semarang, (meski pernah tinggal di Jakarta), jadi kemungkinan bahwa mitos hawa laut bagus buat yang sedang sakit batuk pun dia dengar. :) Satu komen lain menyatakan bahwa air laut yang mengandung banyak mineral bagus untuk tubuh kita.

Nah! :)

Waktu aku kecil, aku ingat kedua orangtuaku kadang membawaku dan kakakku ke laut, dan membiarkan kita berdua mandi di air laut. Tentu aku tidak ingat apakah sekian dekade lalu air laut di kota Semarang cukup bersih dan jernih sehingga layak untuk mandi. Waktu Angie kecil dan sakit batuk, aku pun membawanya ke pantai. Namun aku tidak punya hati untuk menceburkannya ke air karena pantai-pantai kota Semarang tak lagi memiliki air yang layak untuk dipakai berenang. hihihi ... Aku hanya mengusap ubun-ubunnya dengan air laut yang kuambil dengan tangan.

Semenjak aku punya waktu yang cukup luang di pagi hari, terkadang aku sepedaan ke pantai. Aku sering melihat orang-orang yang membawa balitanya (bahkan kadang batita) ke pantai, kemudian dia bawa ke air. Balita-batita itu diceburkan ke dalam air, tentu orangtuanya pun juga menceburkan diri ke dalam air. Biasanya anak-anak itu akan menjerit kegirangan, dan tertawa-tawa. Karena aku terbiasa dengan mitos bahwa air laut / hawa laut bagus untuk anak-anak yang sedang sakit batuk, itu adalah pemandangan yang selalu kucari jika pagi-pagi aku ke pantai untuk menjaring foto sunrise. :) Hmmm ... bahkan di era milenial ini, masih banyak orang yang melakukan hal ini. Akankah aku melakukannya pada cucuku kelak? hihihi ...

Kembali ke status facebook-ku, ada dua komentar yang sama dengan yang dikatakan oleh Ranz : mereka lahir dan besar di kaki gunung, dan jauh dari laut, sehingga mereka tidak pernah mendengar tentang mitos ini. :) Ya masuk akal sih :D

IB 09.09 09062018

M a g n e t

Sekian hari lalu, di satu acara sepedaan bareng, seorang kawan, perempuan, menyatakan keheranannya pada laki-laki yang berbondong-bondong follow akun (contoh: instagram) seorang perempuan cantik. "Aku ga paham, buat apa sih laki-laki itu follow akun perempuan cantik yang tidak mereka kenal langsung?"

Sebagai seorang perempuan -- yang pernah merasa cantik sekian tahun lalu, lol -- aku juga pernah bertanya pada diri sendiri seperti itu, meski tidak pernah kuutarakan pada siapa pun, apalagi membahasnya pada seseorang. Itu sebab aku tidak menjawab pertanyaan kawan sepedaanku itu, selain tertawa; entah apa yang kutertawakan. lol.

Pertanyaan ini mengingatkanku pada beberapa kawan perempuan fesbuk yang keukeuh tidak pernah mengunggah foto aslinya sebagai foto profil. Salah satu alasan yang mereka kemukakan -- yang masih aku ingat -- adalah ingin agar para 'fans' fesbuknya (atau well, kawan fesbuk deh) memujanya, atau mungkin hanya sekedar mau berteman dengan mereka bukan karena kecantikan fisik semata, namun karena mereka cerdas dan menarik (plus menyenangkan) untuk dijadikan kawan di fesbuk. Mereka tidak ingin kecerdasan mereka ini tidak dianggap penting, dan tertutupi kemolekan fisik mereka.

Pertanyaan yang sama mengingatkanku pada seorang perempuan yang kadang akunnya aku stalking. hihihihi ... sebagai sesama perempuan, aku tidak menganggapnya (wajahnya) cantik, (I have my own 'standard' to call a woman beautiful) dia "hanya" kebetulan memenuhi standard kecantikan media, kulit putih terang, dan tubuh tinggi langsing. Karena aku dan dia tidak berteman, aku hanya bisa stalking foto-foto yang dia unggah dan diset public, dan aku tidak bisa tahu apakah dia juga terkadang menulis status yang mungkin dia set terbatas. Di tiap foto diri yang dia unggah, jumlah orang yang ngelike -- kebanyakan laki-laki -- pasti mencapai ratusan jempol. You can guess, komennya relatif sama, "cantik!" Benar-benar membosankan. lol. (Shhhttt ... hasil stalking-anku hanya membuatku bosan, namun toh once in a blue moon mendadak aku ingat padanya dan ingin stalking. kekekekeke ...)

Sekarang, jika kubandingkan dua jenis perempuan yang kutulis di dua paragraf di atas, yang tidak mengunggah foto asli, punya fans dari dua jenis kelamin. Para fans ini tidak peduli apakah si pemilik akun beneran cantik -- dan tidak mau kecantikan fisiknya mengalahkan kecerdasannya -- mereka terus menyukai status-status yang ditulis. Sedangkan jenis perempuan yang kedua, fansnya kebanyakan laki-laki. Jika pun ada perempuan, pasti karena mereka benar-benar kenal di dunia nyata.

Bisakah kuambil kesimpulan bahwa laki-laki (tidak semua sih) hanya tertarik pada kulit, tanpa isi? Karena mereka tidak mau kalah saingan? kekekekekeke ...