Anyway

I write in my blogs to share my anxiety to wider audience (out of my close friends, workmates, students, and family members). I expect more people to know my way of thinking, new perspective in viewing this life. And I also invite people to leave their comments. It means I had better welcome any kind of comments, although the comments are not supportive to what I illustrate in my posts. (To me, it shows that they don't really understand the basic idea of my writings here. :D )
Well, let us all respect one another, understand one another, not force other people to accept our principle in life (and feel to be the most right one), accept beautiful differences among us. Let us build a more peaceful and better for all of us, and our next generation.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

You know that, Nana, it is not that easy to change the world!
Jadi ingat waktu seorang (mantan) rekan kerja curhat, beberapa tahun yang lalu, ketika dia 'membawa' usulan kita kepada para petinggi institusi, keinginan kita untuk perbaikan institusi tempat kita bekerja, bukan hanya untuk perbaikan nasib kita, namun lebih cenderung ke peningkatan layanan kita ke mahasiswa, dan yang dia rasakan hanyalah seperti berbicara kepada tembok. Orang-orang 'penting' itu tidak pernah mau tahu dan tidak pernah mau mendengar. They just go on with their own plans without trying to understand that they in fact don't really know the real problem.
Sekarang aku merasakan hal yang mirip. Terutama ketika aku mendapatkan komentar-komentar di blog-ku yang menunjukkan bahwa mereka si pemberi komentar tidak memahami secara sepenuhnya apa yang kutulis. Atau mereka memang tidak mau membuka kacamata yang mereka pakai dalam menganalisis suatu permasalahan; bahwa ada perspektif yang lain yang bisa dipakai untuk menganalisis permasalahan yang sama.
Dan aku tidak boleh menyerah. Kalau perlu, robohkan tembok itu!
Sekarang, aku ingin menyertakan puisi terfavoritku, tulisan Charlotte Perkins Gilman, yang berjudul "Obstacle", stanza terakhir.

I took my hat, I took my stick,
My load I settled fair,
I approached that awful incubus
Win an absent-minded air—
And I walked directly through him,
As if he wasn’t there!

WALK DIRECTLY THROUGH THAT WALL, NANA!!!

Dunia

Aku ingin tetap berada di situ. Bersamamu. Memandangmu. Mendengarkan suaramu. Atau pun aku bercerita tentang siapa aku, tentang kegiatanku setiap hari, bagaimana aku berusaha untuk mengubah dunia dengan caraku sendiri. Aku yakin kamu tahu betapa aku adalah seseorang yang resah memandang kehidupan yang tak adil terhadap perempuan. Dan kamu pun tahu aku terkadang begitu bernafsu untuk menghentikan ketidakadilan terhadap kaumku itu.
Namun yang lebih penting adalah, aku ingin tetap berada di sisimu. Menikmati setiap detik kebersamaan kita. Aku akan selalu ada di mana pun kamu melangkah.
Seandainya dunia khayali itu adalah dunia nyata kita.
Seandainya dunia nyata kita adalah dunia khayali itu.
(Mengapa yang pahit itu yang harus kita kenal sebagai dunia nyata?)
PT56 20.00 280506

Irasionalitas

Y: “Kamu mulai irasional. Padahal selama ini kamu adalah satu-satunya temanku yang paling rasional memandang segala macam permasalahan.”
Z: “Jika kita berbicara cinta, adakah cinta yang rasional?”
Y: “Memang jika berbicara cinta, aku setuju tak seorang pun mampu berbicara tentang kerasionalan. Tak juga kamu.”
Z: “Apakah orang butuh alasan yang rasional untuk jatuh cinta?”
Y: “Well, aku hanya khawatir jika kamu menjadi seseorang yang secara tidak rasional ingin memilikinya secara utuh.”
Z: “Aku ingin membawanya ke duniaku. Ke dunia khayaliku dimana dia hanyalah milikku.”
Y: “Kamu mulai bicara ngelantur.”
Z: ”Aku jatuh cinta Yul.”
Y: “Memang cinta tak pernah memilih kepada siapa dia akan datang dan berlabuh.”
Z: “ I hate to say that that is correct. :(”
PT56 20.13 280506

Dewi Lestari

Sunday May 28, 2006 I attended a book discussion in one big bookstore in my hometown. The speaker, Dewi Lestari (Dee), is one new writer in Indonesia. In the same occasion, she promoted her newest book entitled Filosofi Kopi (The Philosophy of Coffee). FYI, this is the first time for me to attend such an occasion. Not clear either why I was attracted to attend it. J
Dee had been a renowned singer in Indonesia when she published her first novel entitled Supernova in 2001. I was not interested in it at all at that time. I thought she just wanted to make use of her popularity as a singer to sell her book. J Until now, she has published three novels of hers, series of Supernova. Frankly speaking, I haven’t read one of those books. J
What made me interested in her fourth book Filosofi Kopi?
First, perhaps coz she used the word Kopi (coffee) here. I have consumed coffee daily regularly since I resumed my study in 2002. I needed stimulant to make me awake (sometimes all night when the time was due the following morning to submit assignments I got from my lecturers), and I thought coffee was the best choice. And I know recently more and more coffee shops opened in big cities in Indonesia where people can hang around with their friends, to chit chat, or even to have business meeting. .
Second, this book has been promoted by a mailing list where I joined as one member. At first, I didn’t give a damn on it. Many people have appreciated Dee’s novels but it didn’t really move my heart yet to read them. LOL.
Before attending the occasion to have a chat together with Dee also to promote her newest book, I had bought the book and had read some writings in it. In fact, I like them. J Two outstanding things I keep in my mind from the discussion in that occasion.
First, the way Dee answered a visitor’s question about her spiritualism journey. Recently, she said that she has converted to be a Buddhist. She gave us a very impressive illustration. When someone sinks in a deep sea, the islands around him/her will seem the same, a refuge for him/her to survive. Someone cannot go on living in the deep sea. He/she must go to the nearest island to save him/herself. No island will seem better/more comfortable/promising to give heavenly sanctuary. All islands are similar.
This is very beautifully said by Dee in the middle of violent dispute among religions in Indonesia nowadays. Some irresponsible people who consider themselves as the most right start to force people from other religion to convert. Some irresponsible people from violent Islamic groups start to force their intention to the government to legalize Pornography Bill in Indonesia soon. They also have forced to close a Non Governmental Organization that uses Islamic name but this NGO rejects Pornography Bill. Many feminists are worried if the same violent Islamic groups later will randomly arrest women and force police to put them into jail only coz they wear something they consider improper while in fact the indecent thought is inside the members’ mind of those groups, and not in women’s clothes. L
Can’t we just live peacefully hand in hand, side by side, without forcing what we believe to other people? Can’t we appreciate and respect one another?
Second, Dee explained that she started writing coz she felt anxious of something in her life and wanted to share her anxiety to other people.
That really makes the two of us. At first, I just discussed things that made me anxious or restless with my close friends. Sometimes I discussed them with my students. I never got satisfying feedback though, both from friends and students of mine. Then, I wrote my restlessness in emails and sent them to my loved ones. I know some of them understand my restlessness but they cannot give me feedback either. My knowing blog technology really comforted me. I started to share my writings—including my anxiety and restlessness—to wider audience, my blog readers.
Going back to Dee, I really enjoyed the time when attending her book campaigning although until now I only have one book of hers. I am not sure either yet if I will buy her other books—series of Supernova—later. Since I claimed myself as a feminist in 2003, mostly I have read books written from feministic perspective. I am of opinion that Dee doesn’t write her book from feministic perspective though not misogynist either. Misogynist books? COUNT ME OUT!!!
PT56 22.42 280506

Kutubuku

“Apakah kategori buku bagus itu?”

 

Ini adalah salah satu topik diskusi di mailing list WritersTavern yang kuikuti mulai sebulan lalu. Banyak ide bermunculan di sana, dan aku bengong saja tidak ikutan. LOL. Bukan karena tidak punya ide, namun aku memang menganggap diri orang yang tidak mudah mengikuti trend, atau mengikuti selera pasar. Aku baca apa yang ingin kubaca. Jadi yah ... biar sajalah orang-orang sibuk melontarkan pendapatnya mengenai apa kategori buku bagus itu. Dan aku akan terus membaca buku yang ingin kubaca, tidak peduli orang bilang bagus atau tidak. Dan aku akan tetap tidak ingin membaca suatu buku kalau aku tidak tergerak hati untuk membaca, meskipun buku itu sedang diblow-up oleh pasar perbukuan Indonesia, maupun internasional.

 

Semenjak kuliah di American Studies Graduate Program, UGM tahun 2002, aku telah menambah koleksi buku untuk perpustakaan pribadiku lebih dari 600 judul buku. Bagiku ini merupakan suatu prestasi sendiri mengingat gajiku yang pas-pasan. LOL. Dan dari buku-buku yang kukoleksi itu, paling banter yang telah kubaca hanya separuhnya saja. Yang lain, baru menginjak halaman pendahuluan dan bab satu. LOL. Setelah itu, seperti biasa, aku langsung sok bisa menebak, “Oh, kalau pembahasannya seperti ini, pembahasannya pasti seperti ini seperti itu. Bla bla bla ...” LOL. Dan kemudian aku pun akan berpindah ke buku yang lain, dan kukembalikan buku yang bersangkutan ke rak buku, menunggu nasib baik berpihak kepadanya jika satu saat nanti aku akan membacanya secara tuntas. LOL.

 

Berbicara tentang buku favorit ... well, dari sekian jumlah buku yang telah kubaca, aku tidak gampang mengatakan bahwa aku sangat suka salah satu judul buku sehingga pantas untuk kumasukkan ke dalam kategori buku favoritku.

 

 

Salah satu buku yang sangat kusukai adalah Si Parasit Lajang, kumpulan artikel tulisan Ayu Utami. Saking sukanya, aku sampai ingat detil-detil beberapa artikel di dalamnya (contoh: “Mari Berkeluarga di dalam Kota!”.dan “Super Kondom”) Aku juga telah menghadiahi dua orang—salah satunya adalah Lelaki Terindahku—buku ini, dengan harapan bahwa the provoking ideas presented by Ayu Utami juga akan memprovokasi kedua orang itu. Well, aku hadiahi Lelaki Terindahku itu buku Si Parasit Lajang sebagai balas budi dia telah menraktirku makan siang beberapa kali. LOL. Selain tentu saja aku berharap dia akan mampu terprovokasi oleh tulisan Ayu disitu. J

 

Btw, tentu saja aku memasukkan Charlotte Perkins Gilman sebagai salah sau penulis kesukaanku.

 

Buku lain yang sangat kusukai adalah SULA, novel tulisan Toni Morrison. Tokoh Sula Peace yang sangat kontroversial dan rebellious di novel ini sangat menarik perhatianku.

 

Masih banyak buku lain yang membuatku terhenyak, terkesima, terpana, dan melongo ketika aku membacanya. Misalnya: The History of Sexuality nya Michel Foucault, Women’s Madness: Mysogyny or Mental Illness? Karya Jane Ussher, Invalid Women tulisan Diane Price Herndl, (Kedua buku ini sangat membantuku dalam penulisan tesis, selain The Yellow Wallpaper, A Bedford Cultural Edition yang diedit oleh Dale M. Bauer). Saman dan Larung tulisan Ayu Utami, Cantik itu Luka tulisan Eka Kurniawan, Argumen Kesetaraan Jender Perspektif Al-Quran karya Nasaruddin Umar, Fiqih Perempuan milik KH Husein Muhammad, dll.

 

 

Bulan Mei ini aku membeli beberapa buku; Qur’an Menurut Perempuan tulisan Amina Wadud (terjemahan), Jangan Berkedip karya bareng Primadonna Angela dan Isman Hidayat, 3some tulisan Nova Riyanti Yusuf, Feminisme:Sebuah Kata Hati rangkuman tulisan Gadis Arivia, dan yang terbaru Filosofi Kopi Kumpulan Cerita dan Prosa Dewi Lestari. Untuk Angie aku membelikannya dua novel teen lit. (Haha, aku sendiri heran darimana aku dapat uang berlebih untuk membeli buku-buku itu dalam waktu satu bulan.)

 

Ketika aku membeli Filofosi Kopi, terus terang aku mengharapkan buku semacam Si Parasit Lajang, artikel-artikel yang full of provoking ideas itu. Aku membelinya di TB Toga Mas (agar dapat diskon!) dan tak tersedia satu eksemplar pun yang terbuka sehingga bisa aku lihat-lihat dulu isinya apa. Setelah aku membayar di kasir, di pelataran parkir aku buka plastik pembungkusnya untuk ngecek apakah semua halaman utuh. Terus terang, aku agak kecewa melihat judul-judul prosa di halaman Daftar Isi. Yah …

 

 

Sabtu malam, 27 Mei 2006, aku langsung membaca satu judul cerdang yang dijadikan judul buku itu, Filosofi Kopi. Wah ... ternyata ceritanya K-E-R-E-N. Semenjak aku melanjutkan kuliah ke American Studies, aku memang mulai merasakan ketergantungan dengan kopi, untuk membantuku melek mengerjakan tugas-tugas yang due esok harinya. Namun mungkin aku belumlah merupakan seseorang yang begitu menikmati kopi sehingga aku bisa merasakan kopi seperti apakah yang wow ... yang bercitarasa tinggi, yang memberi kesan “I am the most successful person in the world.” Atau “This coffee really represents who I am.” Aku jadi penasaran, kopi yang bagaimanakah cara meraciknya yang bisa memberiku suatu sensasi tersendiri?

 

Nah ... aku sudah terhanyut cerita itu. LOL.

 

Hari Minggu 28 Mei 2006 aku ke Gramedia Pandanaran untuk menghadiri acara Ngobrol Bareng + Bedah Buku Filosofi Kopi dengan Dewi Lestari. (Aha ... jadi ingat, aku membaca Saman di tahun 2003 sebelum Ayu menjadi salah satu pembicara Internasional Seminar yang dilaksanakan oleh American Studies UGM, padahal buku itu sudah menghebohkan jagad perbukuan Indonesia sejak beberapa tahun sebelumnya! J) Aku pengen tahu aja bagaimana Dee mempromosikan bukunya dalam acara itu.

 

Setelah tahu bahwa akan dibagikan tiga buah buku terbitan Gagas Media sebagai merchandise bagi penanya, aku langsung tambah bersemangat untuk bertanya. LOL. Dan di akhir acara, aku pun berhasil mendapatkan satu buku gratis yang berjudul Jakarta Metropolis Tunggang Langgang tulisan Marco Kusumawijaya, meskipun sebenarnya yang kuincar adalah buku tulisan FX Rudy Gunawan yang telah lama ingin kumiliki, yang sayangnya sekarang aku lupa judulnya. LOL. 

Beberapa hal menarik yang kuingat dari hasil diskusi itu.

 

Pertama, ketika Dee mengatakan bahwa dia menulis untuk berbagi dengan orang lain tentang kegelisahan yang dia rasakan. Bagi beberapa orang tertentu mungkin mereka berbagi kegelisahan itu dengan berdiskusi dengan orang-orang sekitar. Namun bagi orang yang suka menulis, mereka akan menuliskan kegelisahan itu. This is exactly what I have been experiencing! Ketika berbicara dengan orang-orang di sekitarku, keluarga, teman kerja, juga mahasiswa-mahasiswaku tak lagi kurasakan cukup, thank God, aku menemukan teknologi blog.

 

Kedua, ketika Dee menggambarkan perjalanan spiritualitasnya. Aku suka caranya yang menganalogikan ketika seseorang tenggelam di laut lepas (baca è tatkala seseorang tak memiliki pegangan satu agama pun), pulau-pulau di sekitarnya yang akan memberinya tempat yang nyaman, refuge, akan terlihat sama (baca è semua agama akan terkesan sama, tak satu agama pun akan terkesan lebih baik, atau pun lebih benar, dibandingkan agama yang lain).

 

Apakah Buddhism adalah titik klimaks perjalanan spiritualitasnya? Dee mengatakan tidak. Bukankah dalam hidup ini, kita akan selalu mencari dan mencari? Akan selalu melakukan perjalanan? Dan ketika pilihannya jatuh ke Buddhism, itu tak lain karena dia adalah anggota masyarakat, yang kadang memang tak memberi kita pilihan lain selain mengikuti apa yang telah masyarakat tentukan. Contoh: tatkala mengisi kolom KTP, tak bisa seseorang di Indonesia untuk membiarkannya tetap kosong.

 

Jadi ingat perjalanan spiritualitasku sendiri. Ingat beberapa komentar rekan kerja yang kasak kusuk di belakangku, “Nana has changed to be someone weird. Her study has made her become someone difficult to understand.” Dll ... dll …

 

Studiku memang telah membuatku menjadi seseorang yang sekuler. There is nothing wrong to be secular, is there? Namun aku tetap memilih menjadi seorang Muslim (yang sekuler!) Paling tidak untuk mengisi kolom KTP, aku tak perlu bingung, aku akan tetap menulis Islam sebagai agamaku. Ada dua hal utama yang melatarbelakanginya. Pertama, my family. I don’t want to hurt them (especially my mom.) Kedua, aku ingin menyitir tulisan Ayu, “Buat saya, lebih baik berlangganan tuhan yang teruji ribuan tahun daripada menyembah merek baru.” (Si Parasit Lajang, 2003:12) Agak sedikit berbeda dengan ilustrasi Ayu di artikel yang berjudul “Agama” itu, aku menginterpretasikannya sebagai Islam adalah agama yang telah teruji selama bertahun-tahun dalam keluarga besar Podungge. LOL. Maksa banget nggak sih? LOL.

 

PT56 21.53 280506

Chatting -- emailing -- blogging

 

Aku kenal dunia internet pertama kali tahun 1998. Dunia chatting mIRC lah yang pertama kali kukenal. Satu kata yang bisa kupakai untuk mendefinisikan dunia maya ini: AMAZING! Dunia serasa menjadi begitu kecil. Ketika pertama kali aku chat dengan seseorang lewat channel beginner, dan dia mengaku berada di Australia, wow ... bagaimana mungkin?

 

Aku mulai merasa addicted ke dunia ini tahun 1999, pertengahan Mei, setelah berkenalan dengan seseorang yang kukenal sebagai Rick Buck, dari Modesto, California. He is my first online boyfriend. J Rick yang membuatku mabuk kepayang, ehem ..., membuatku tak mampu melewatkan dunia chatting satu hari pun.

 

Hubungan asmaraku dengannya usai dua tahun kemudian, 2001. Kepedihan yang kurasakan waktu itu membuatku meninggalkan dunia internet selama beberapa bulan. Kurang lebih selama enam bulan setelah terakhir kali aku chat dengan Rick, dan dia berpesan, “Keep your chin up, honey. See the world confidently. And everything will be okay. Take care of Angie and yourself well.” Aku baru kembali ngenet lagi, untuk ngecek mailbox yang dibuatkan Rick untukku; nan29@eudoramail.com no matter how bitter the end of our relationship was, I didn’t want to lose that mailbox.

 

Hanya sesekali aku ngenet, hanya untuk ngecek mailbox itu, sambil sesekali browsing, mencari data yang kubutuhkan.

 

Tahun 2002, aku melanjutkan kuliah ke American Studies, UGM. Untuk mengerjakan tugas-tugas yang bertumpuk, aku kembali sering ngenet. Maklum, jurusan kuliahku yang American Studies ini tentulah aku banyak membutuhkan literatur-literatur dari luar. Namun, meskipun aku sering online, tak pernah sekalipun aku tergoda untuk chatting. Aku tak punya waktu untuk iseng ngobrol dengan orang lewat dunia maya. Sebagian besar waktuku tersita untuk mengerjakan assignment dari dosen-dosen.

 

Awal tahun 2004, ketika memasuki semester empat, aku mulai merasakan kejenuhan dengan tugas-tugas yang berjibun. Ingin aku agak menikmati waktu luang sejenak, yang ternyata kemudian tak mampu segera aku hilangkan rasa itu, sehingga aku pun memperpanjang waktu nulis tesisku sampai 3 semester lagi! LOL. Adanya dosen tamu dari Michigan yang memberi dua mata kuliah di semester itu, membuatku tak segera mulai menulis tesis, asik banget mengikuti kuliah-kuliah Prof. Ken Hall.

 

Selain itu, aku mulai kangen Rick lagi. Banyak hal yang dulu sering kami jadikan bahan argumen—e.g. agama, arogansi seseorang yang merasa dirinya religius dan karenanya merasa sebagai ahli surga, kedudukan perempuan dalam agama dan masyarakat, poligami, seks di luar pernikahan, etc—mulai terbayang lagi. Biar bagaimana pun, aku sekarang bukanlah aku yang dikenal Rick dulu. Kuliahku dengan bahan bacaan yang bejibun itu membuatku berubah, tanpa kusadari. Aku mulai mengerti cara berpikir Rick, yang dulu sangat sering kudebat—dengan kenaifanku plus kekeraskepalaanku.

 

Aku ingin bertemu Rick lagi, chatting lagi dengannya, diskusi hal-hal yang dulu selalu membuatku betah nongkrong di hadapan komputer berjam-jam, mendengarkan ‘petuah’nya, komentarnya. Btw, dia juga adalah guru terbaikku dalam mengenal dunia internet. Kebayang nggak? Dia mengajariku banyak hal mengenai internet lewat chatting! Dia di Calif, aku di Indonesia.

 

Aku yakin karena itulah, aku kembali online ke mIRC lagi. Aku pakai nick lamaku, nan29, dengan harapan Rick bisa mengenaliku lagi.

 

But nothing. :(

 

Yang kutemui hanyalah nasty, dirty chatters!

 

Sebagian dari mereka mutung mengapa aku memakai nick nan29 padahal usiaku tak lagi 29. :) kenapa juga harus aku urusin yah? :)

 

Akhirnya, aku ‘menemukan’ nick baru, fe-36. Orang akan gampang menebak aku adalah seorang female berusia 36. Aku berharap dengan memakai nick itu, orang-orang yang akan menyapaku pun adalah orang-orang yang sebaya denganku. Aku begitu berharap menemukan seseorang yang seasik Rick untuk diajak chat, diskusi tentang segala macam, seseorang yang broad-minded, open-minded, knowledgeable, yang tidak judgmental. (Banyak amat yah persyaratannya? J)

 

Namun ternyata aku hanyalah seseorang yang naif. L Ternyata yang menyapaku masih tipe orang-orang yang sama, nasty, dirty chatters! Dan sebagian dari mereka tidak menginterpretasikan 36 sebagai umurku, melainkan ukuran braku. Sebelnya. L Aku memang seorang narcist dengan menulis di blog (selain memang blog adalah media yang paling tepat bagiku untuk berbagi keresahan yang kurasakan), ‘memamerkan’ cara berpikirku yang pernah dikomentari kontroversial oleh seseorang. Namun aku bukan seorang narcist yang memamerkan ukuran tubuh! That’s definitely NOT ME. (Alasan utama untuk hal ini adalah: aku tidak pede dengan ukuran tubuhku. LOL.)

 

Seorang chatter yang kucurhati tentang masalah itu, menyarankan aku untuk mengganti nick. Dia baru berusia 23 tahun waktu itu, dan menjelaskan kepadaku apa yang ada di benaknya ketika menemui seorang chatter memakai nick fe-36, suatu impressi yang membuatku bergidik. Wah …

 

Aku mulai bereksperimen dengan beberapa nick. Semula aku memakai nick a_guest. Setelah beberapa saat aku memakai nick ini, eh, tiba-tiba ada seseorang yang meregisterkan nick ini. So??? Aku harus ganti nick.

 

Well, karena ketika aku memakai nick a_guest, tak seorang pun bisa menebak apakah aku seorang female maupun male, aku berpikir untuk menunjukkan identitas sebagai seorang female. Akhirnya aku buatlah nick ‘afemaleguest’. Aku memakai nick afemaleguest’ mulai sekitar bulan Juni 2004.

 

Aku tidak begitu ingat sekarang mengapa aku begitu suka chatting pada waktu itu. Well, yup, aku mulai mendapatkan beberapa teman chat, semua orang Indonesia, yang yah ... lumayan asiklah diajak ngobrol, meskipun tentu saja tidak seasik Rick. J Tapi, satu hal yang sering kulakukan adalah ‘menguliahi’ orang mengenai kedudukan perempuan, bahwa laki-laki perempuan equal. Aku belum mengenal dunia blog pada waktu itu. Well, tentu gak banyak orang yang suka chat denganku, karena aku hobby banget menguliahi orang masalah equality ini. LOL.

 

Aku mulai kenal dunia blog sekitar bulan Maret 2005, lewat friendster. Bermula dari salah satu hobbyku mengirim email ke seseorang yang kuberi julukan Lelaki Terindahku. (Well, aku memang sangat suka dengan novel Andrei Aksana yang berjudul Lelaki Terindah. J) aku mulai mengembangkan hobby menulisku. Kalau semula dialah audienceku satu-satunya (FYI, banyak dari email-email yang kukirim ke dia berisi pandangan-pandanganku tentang feminisme, equality between men and women), aku mulai mengembangkan audienceku ke banyak orang lain, pembaca blogku.

 

Keresahan yang kurasakan sebagai seorang feminis melihat begitu timpang kedudukan laki-laki perempuan di Indonesia mulai kutuangkan ke dalam tulisan-tulisanku.

 

Desember 2005, secara tidak sengaja kutemukan website blog di www.blog.co.uk aku mulai posting tulisan-tulisanku di blog friendster ke blog yang berasal dari UK ini. Mulai bulan Februari 2006, aku mulai rajin menulis di blog ini, tulisan yang memang sengaja kubuat untuk blog, bukan karena improvement dari email-emailku ke Lelaki Terindahku itu. LOL. Aku mulai mendapatkan teman blog yang kebanyakan dari Inggris, yang rajin membaca postinganku, dan menulis komentar. Aku mulai merasa menemukan tempat untuk mencurahkan keresahanku, apalagi dengan feedback dari teman blogku yang sangat supportive dan encouraging.

 

Well, sampai saat ini, aku belum menemukan Rick kembali. Namun dengan dukungan dari teman-teman blogku aku merasa cukup. Kadang aku sempat menangis terharu ketika mendapatkan komentar. Sekarang komentar yang paling aku suka adalah dari Phillip di mana dia mengutip perkataan William Penn, si pendiri Pennsylvania, “Right is right, no matter many people are against it. Wrong is wrong, no matter many people are for it.” Oh how sweet!!!

 

Aku sibuk blogging hampir tiap hari sekarang ini. Dan aku tetap memakai dua nick, yakni nan29—Rick yang menciptakan nick ini—dan afemaleguest—ciptaanku sendiri. Sekarang, kalau aku ngetik ‘nan29’ atau ‘afemaleguest’ di search engine google, akan kutemui website blogku di sana. I have left traces in history. LOL.

 

Ups, btw, sebenarnya apa ya yang pengen kutulis di sini? Perasaan temanya ngalor ngidul gak karuan. LOL. Yeah ... aku cuma pengen ngetik sesuatu untuk blogku aja. That’s all.

 

Sekarang waktu telah menunjukkan lebih dari tengah malam. Angie sudah tertidur dari tadi. I had better go to bed now? Tulisan ini akan kupost Senin 29 Mei 2006.

 

I know I need to rest my body and eyes. :)

 

PT56 00.38 280506

Capek

Tadi aku udah online beberapa jam di kantor, emailing dan blogging. Trus, dalam perjalanan pulang aku mampir ke warnet. Masalahnya adalah komputer di kantor suka ngadat kalo dipake untuk membuka friendster, padahal ada message yang pengen kubaca, dari seorang penggemar blogku. Cie ... Aduh, senengnya aku dapat penggemar. Hahaha ... It is really big excitement for me!!! Well, di tengah-tengah kritikan yang masuk, she really supports me! Thanks a million Jennie. :)
Aku gak bisa online lama-lama sekarang, coz of the runny nose I have :( Tadi, juga di blog.co.uk aku udah pamitan ke teman-teman blogku, mau offline, and menikmati weekend. Phillip dan Isadora mengomentari aku memang butuh istirahat, dan jangan terlalu terbebani dengan apa-apa yang ada di sekitarku saat ini (baca => rencana penggolan RUU APP, penyegelan Fahmina di Cirebon, rencana peluncuran taboid Poligami, dll yang amat sangat memarjinalkan kaum perempuan, dan memperpuruk nama Indonesia di mata internasional sebagai negara yang ngurusi amat masalah selangkangan, padahal masih buanyak masalah lain yang harus diurusi!!!)
Well, pulang ah ...

Friday, May 26, 2006

I am tired.
I think it is caused by my condition. I don't really feel well. When I left house this morning, before 8am, I expected to be able to do some things at the office. Besides, finishing the preparation for the mid-test, I also wanted to read some articles in my books. write something to post at my blog--related to my musings of this male-dominated society, write some emails to my friends, and some other things.
And in fact, not many things from those lists I have done so far. :( I haven't even started reading what i wanted to read; I couldn't finish typing one article related to my contemplation on this life. Well, I have forwarded some funny emails I got from a mailing list to my friends--to show them that I always remember them; but I haven't typed any personal email to them.
I myself seldom get personal emails from my friends. :D I know they are busy, besides they are not as 'crazy' and 'addicted' to internet as I am. :D Or perhaps they are not as creative as I am. LOL. I think I even contact with my virtual blog friends more often that my friends who have 'left' me to move to some other places; such as Malang, a town located in East Java, Indonesia, and Holland.
When Phillip said that I sounded lonely at times in my posts, coz no one shares the same idea with me, he is absolutely right. Julie (the one living in Malang now) is the only friend I have that shares similar ideas with me. We used to have lots of discussions. Now? I have no one. Well, I think I still have to be grateful to have those nice and supportive blog friends of mine, who willingly spend their precious time to read my posts, and then give comments, also give support and encouragement that I am not all alone; that I am not weird, not an alien. LOL.
I will go home soon, where my lovely star, Angie, is waiting for me.

Myself

I write here, inspired by a mail I got from "Perempuan" mailing list, about "Reading Lolita in Teheran".
I was born in a religious family, both my parents have always done all the teachings of Islam very seriously and diligently; e.g. praying five times a day on time, fasting during Ramadhan month, reciting Al-Quran, etc. 

My parents sent me (also my big brother and my younger sister) to an Islamic elementary school. My mom said that it was coz of efficient reason since the school was located very close to our dwelling, only about 10 meters from our house. However, I also thought that it was also coz it was an Islamic school.

23 December 2011

You can imagine that my elementary school years was full of indoctrination from Islamic perspective. You can also imagine this Islamic perspective was full of gender bias; positioning women under men's superiority.

I accepted all that indoctrination thing just like it was, when I was a kid, believing that all what my teachers--also my parents--were the ultimate truth; not negotiable at all.

However, I must admit that in fact I felt a bit sad why women were degraded like that? E.g. : women must let their husband have more than one wife; women must ask for their husbands' permission to do anything while men don't need that permission from their wives. 

Ups ... in fact, I am not feeling very well today although I still go to my workplace, to finish preparing the mid-term test. Well, I can do it at home of course. However, if I go to the office, I can go online for free :D to check my mailboxes and blogs. :D

And this not-feeling-well condition made me not able to think clearly, coz once in a while I am bothered with this runny nose, but the hot temperature I feel in my head. It means, I cannot continue writing about my childhood experience--going to islamic school; brought up in a strictly Islamic parents. This background will always follow me wherever I go, until now, when I consider myself no longer a religious person anymore, but a secular.

Hope next time I can get my mood back to continue typing about this topic. :)
Ciao.

Right or Wrong

“Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it”
William Penn

Love to get this quote from Phillip. It really encourages me especially when I feel so down in the dumps to see what has been going on in my home country, Indonesia.

What is right? What is wrong? It is really subjective, and it really depends on how vast the knowledge someone has, how fair someone is to see and analyze the reality before his/her eyes, without being influenced by bias. Well ... I hope it will come true although it sounds so impossible at the moment.

Munafik

Tiga ciri-ciri orang munafik:
1. Jika berkata dia dusta
Contoh: seseorang yang telah menikah mengaku masih single, hanya demi menebar pesona dan menggaet kenalan baru untuk dijadikan pacarnya. Atau sebaliknya, orang yang masih single mengaku sudah menikah, agar laki-laki yang dia taksir tidak digaet perempuan lain. Meskipun dia sudah tahu kalau laki-laki yang dia taksir itu telah menikah.
2. Jika berjanji dia mungkir
Contoh: seseorang yang berkata, “I love you. You can keep my word. I will show you that I am a man of my word.” Di kemudian hari menghilang, mengaku sibuk berat. Setelah muncul lagi mengatakan, “My wife has already known our relationship.” Lah, kok dulu mengaku masih single? LOL.
3. Jika dipercaya, dia berkhianat
Contoh: Seorang laki-laki mengunjungi seorang perempuan yang tinggal di luar kota. Setelah melepaskan hajat dengan perempuan ini, dia mengemukakan suatu alasan untuk segera pergi ke suatu tempat karena urusan kantor. Si perempuan percaya. Dan ternyata, setelah meninggalkan si perempuan yang konon adalah istri keduanya ini, dia menemui perempuan lain, tanpa sepengetahuan si perempuan ini bahwa dia hanyalah seorang laki-laki hidung belang. Atau kata Ratu, “Laki-laki buaya darat.”
What will you do to such a hypocritical guy? A friend of mine said, “Kick his ass as hard as we can so that he will fly away to the Pluto!” LOL.
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Angie

Angie is my daughter, in her middle of teens.
She has been feeling not well since a week ago. Last Saturday evening, I took her to a doctor. According to the result of her blood test, she was suffering from typhus. Guess what? Just last end of March she was suffering the same disease too!!! Well, she is too ignorant of her own health? Or am I too busy with my own activities and I always consider her as a young adult, who can take care of herself? Hmmm ...
One funny thing is when she has to consume medicine. I remember when she was a little, probably the first time she could recognize that she had to consume medicine coz she didn't feel well. She seemed so worried to consume the medicine. I encouraged her, "Drink this medicine, darling. This is very good for your health. After drinking this medicine, hopefully you will be recovered soon."
She asked me, "How about the taste, Mama?"
I answered, "The taste is just okay, darling. No problem with it as long as you are recovered. Right?"
When she consumed it, I saw her face show disbelief look to me, about "The taste is okay, darling." I interpreted her look, "Why did you say that the taste is okay, Mama? For me the taste is terrible!!!" LOL. But she didn't complain. "Mama is always right!" perhaps that was what she had in her mind. LOL.
Recently, in her mid teens, I still sometimes see the same look on her, when she has to consume medicine. She tries to "enjoy" the bitter taste of the medicine. When I told her what happened when she was a little, she looked at me annoyedly, but she knew that I was right, so that she would consume that medicine. LOL.
Now I will be going home, to where my lovely star is waiting for me, to have dinner together with her, and accompany her to drink her medicine. :)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006,

I found out that I am included in the TOP BLOG for 24 hours today at www.blog.co.uk and I am number 11! Wow!!! It is really amazing coz I only posted one article yesterday.

It really means a lot to me to know that many people read my posts in my blog. Well, as one fan of Charlotte Perkins Gilman with her motto "Write with a purpose", of course it really makes me excited. I write to say to tell the world about the unfair gender bias in Indonesia. And many people all over the world read my writing!!! Wow!!! Wow!!!

Well, if my writing doesnt really help much for the betterment of women's position and roles in Indonesia nowadays, well, as Kiki said, more and more people in the world now realize the gender bias in Indonesia.

Aha ... it reminds me of a popular statement said by Violet, one main character in the movie "Series of Unfortunate Events", "There is always something!"

Yes! There will always be something good coming out, for betterment of women's life, to be equal with men in all facets in life. :)

Btw, although I was disappointed yesterday to see the tendency that Pornography Bill will be legalized soon in Indonesia.

Oh God ... have mercy on us!!! Have mercy on those people who consider us women only as sexual objects!!!

Kapankah

kapankah akan berakhir penantianku
dan kau menyambut kerinduanku dengan kerinduanmu
dengan tatapan mata lembutmu
yang menghunjam tepat ke dalam mataku
dengan ciuman hangatmu
yang selalu mampu mengalirkan hawa hangat ke seluruh peredaran darahku
dengan pelukan kasihmu
yang selalu membuatku merasa damai bersamamu

Friday, May 19, 2006

Gilman's quote

 

At the office. All alone. It is 16.41 now according to my watch.

I will start teaching around one and a half hour later. I have one of my favorite subject later, "Poetry Analysis Class". And as usual, in having literature subjects, I will never forget to prepare some literary works that can be viewed from feminist perspective. I will always enjoy talking such topic. Some examples are Charlotte Perkins Gilman's poems :D

Before arriving at the office, I dropped by at a cyber cafe, to post some articles of mine in my blogs, and downloaded some interesting articles I got from Phillip, my blog friend from the UK. I will read them in my weekend. 

Btw, while typing here, I am also checking my blogs and mailboxes. Of course I cannot concentrate on some things at the same time well. :D This is really me, always let myself distracted by many other little things. :) a bit difficult for me to stay focused on one thing. :D 

Ups ... I don't have much time left now. Too absorbed with the comments I got from my virtual friends and reply their comments too. 

I have to prepare myself to go to class now.

In the evening

 

I just finished teaching "Public Speaking" class. I asked my students to tell a story in front of the class. Some chose very popular fairy tales--such as Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty--some others told us some inspiring stories--such as about salmon fish that has very big determination for survival. It reminded me of a short story I read and analyzed when I was at college. The story was written by a Native American writer--unfortunately I don't remember the name of the writer nor the title of the story. However, I remember one thing, among Native American people, they believe that salmon is the holiest fish!

After I dismissed the class, I went back to my office. And as usual, I turned on the computer and checked my mailboxes and blogs. Unfortunately, I couldn't open my blog at http://afemaleguest.blog.co.uk In my opinion, this is the most visited blog of mine, remembering I got most comments here. The comments mostly come from my blog friends coming from England, Portugal, India, and some other countries. The site said that the blog is still under the maintenance. In fact, I want to open some sites proposed by my friends to read more about polygamy, ancient god/goddesses, ancient religions, women's rights, etc. I want to download the articles in those sites so that I can read them at home. Well, I can do it tomorrow I hope. :)

Right now, besides writing here, I am opening my mailbox, reading some emails I got from some mailing lists I joined, and also read some emails I got from my friends. 

Oh well, I think I had better hurry home now. My only lovely star is waiting for me.

18 May 2006

Thursday, May 18, 2006

In my workplace. Will go to another workplace of mine soon. :)
I got some interesting sites today, from Phillip, my blog friend from UK. He especially commented on my post about "polygamy".
That's what friends are for, right?
Virtual friends can be real good friends in our life, can't they?
I just hope that I will have some energy left to read those articles I got from those sites tonight, before going to bed.
Or, well, as the recent two days, if Angie makes me busy to listen to her again tonight, well, I will have time tomorrow, or next weekend. :)
I want to enjoy my both roles, as a mother, and as an individual who is crazy for blogging recently. :D Blogging can really open my mind more and more and make myself more broad-minded, and more skilled to write. LOL.

Kenangan Itu ...

"Mbak Nana ya?"
Suara seorang perempuan terdengar dari ujung kabel telepon sebelah sana. Di handphone yang kupegang, tak tertera nomor yang dia pake untuk nelpon. "Unidentified number."
Aku sempat menebak-nebak suara siapakah itu? Apakah dia yang kemarin mengirim email ke aku lewat friendster?
"Aku Sisil mbak, yang kirim email ke mbak Nana lewat friendster beberapa hari yang lalu."
Deg! Nah loh! Bener. Apa yang dia inginkan?
"Langsung aja ya mbak. Aku tahu banget teman mbak di friendster yang bernama Galindra Erlangga. Nama aslinya adalah Mohammad Barkah Setiyadi. Nama istrinya Rika. Dan aku Sisil, adalah istri keduanya."
Gubrak!!! Jantungku serasa mau meledak. Istri kedua? Nggak salah nih? Di abad ke-21 gini, masih ada perempuan yang mau jadi istri kedua? Perempuan yang ngaku sebagai well-educated person, yang kuliah S2 nya aja di Canada? Yang tentunya telah dapat banyak insight dari lingkungan barat sana betapa poligami adalah pelecehan terhadap harkat seorang perempuan?
Aku tidak kaget tatkala dia bilang Galindra ato yang ternyata bernama Yadi itu telah beristri. Kebetulan tadi pagi waktu online di YM (setelah sekian bulan, dia menghilang dari dunia mayaku) dia tahu-tahu menyapaku, dengan ID baru. Biasalah. Seorang player atau pecundang selalu ganti-ganti nick ato ID untuk berburu "mainan" baru.
Yang membuat aku kaget itu ya, pengakuan si perempuan yang mengaku bernama Sisil itu, bahwa dia adalah istri kedua seorang laki-laki, yang aku yakin bermata keranjang. Dan si perempuan ini adalah seorang dosen di sebuah universitas terkenal di negeri ini, yang nota bene tentu cerdas, dan tidak bakal mudah termakan omongan orang-orang yang suka memplesetkan ayat-ayat kitab suci (contoh: bahwa poligami adalah sunnah Rasul!)
Poligami??? Oh no ... please deh.
"Mbak, aku tahu mungkin ini adalah karma bagiku. Aku dulu bermain api dengan Yadi tanpa sepengetahuan istri pertamanya, Rika. Dan kemudian aku pun mau jadi istri keduanya. Sekarang aku anggap ini adalah karma terhadap Rika. Sekarang aku baru bisa merasakan betapa tidak enaknya dikhianati, betapa tidak enaknya laki-laki yang kucintai mempunyai perempuan lain. Tapi, tolong, kalo bisa, dan belum terlambat, tolong aku mbak, tolong mundur dari kehidupan kami bertiga, aku Yadi dan Rika."
Hatiku terluka. Bukan terluka karena aku diminta mundur dari kehidupan laki-laki yang kukenal sebagai Indra itu. Bukan. Aku terluka betapa di jaman sekarang ini, dimana ideologi feminisme dengan kesetaraan jendernya telah menyebar luas di negeri tercinta ini, masih ada seorang perempuan yang well-educated, yang aku percaya financially secured, MERENGEK kepada perempuan lain (baca => AKU) agar aku mau mundur dari laki-laki itu.
BAH. Tadi pagi ketika chatting Indra, ups ... Yadi maksudku, dan dia out of the blue ngaku ke aku bahwa dia sudah merit, aku langsung bilang goodbye ke dia. Aku tak suka dibohongi! Dan sebelum mengakhiri chat itu, aku katakan padanya, "Salam buat Rika. Katakan padanya aku tak akan pernah mengambilmu dari sisinya."
Dan siang ini, istri ke dua laki-laki mata keranjang itu merengek ke aku agar aku mundur dari kehidupan cinta segitiga mereka.
"Oh well, jangan berpikir gitu deh. Aku dan Indra alias Yadi nggak ada apa-apa kok." (dalam hati kupikir, buset amat aku dikira mau ngerebut suami paruh waktunya itu? Please deh ... kayak ga ada laki-laki lain aja di dunia ini!)
"Kamu tenang aja. Sekarang aku ga bisa ngomong banyak. Gimana kalo kita lanjutin besok. Aku akan ke Yogya. Kita ketemu di satu tempat di sana. Kita bisa ngobrol banyak nanti." Begitu aku mengakhiri percakapan lewat telpon itu.
Aku sedang berada di bus dalam perjalanan ke rumah salah satu murid privatku. Dan di bus, aku merasa semua orang menguping apa yang aku katakan. Aduh .....
___________________________________________________________________

Dan ketika aku melanjutkan perjalananku, aku tak mampu mendapatkan jawaban apa yang membuat Sisil mau menjadi istri kedua? Dan lebih gilanya lagi, ketika dia tahu suami paruh waktunya itu main api lagi dengan perempuan lain, dia kok mau-maunya merengek ke aku agar aku mundur??? Sambil menambahkan, "Tolong jangan bilang ke Yadi ya mbak kalau aku tahu masalah ini (baca => suami paruh waktunya main api lagi dengan perempuan lain). Biar ini menjadi diskusi kita berdua aja. Kalau memang mbak Nana mau mundur dengan teratur ya syukurlah."
Well, dan aku membayangkan, seluruh hidupnya dia akan selalu was-was bahwa suami paruh waktunya itu akan terus menerus menebar pesona kepada perempuan-perempuan lain. Dan kalau kita sebagai perempuan mau-mau aja diperlakukan seenak udel laki-laki, betapa besar kepalanya laki-laki di dunia ini?
Aduh ... enggak deh kalo punya suami kayak itu.

CATATAN: Nama yang tertulis adalah nama fiksi. Seandainya ada kesamaan dengan nama orang-orang yang ada di dunia nyata, hal ini hanyalah suatu kebetulan belaka.

May 17, 2006 In the afternoon

taken in 2000, at Detta's house

 

I've been sitting in front of this computer since 11.30, it means around four and a half hours!! What have I been doing? Well, besides blogging and emailing, I also gave consultation to a student who is doing her paper, and munched an apple to substitute my lunch. Am I on a diet? Well, yes! :)

This semester I almost don't have teaching schedule in the morning besides on Thursday, at 10. My classes start at 3pm, sometimes at 5pm, finish sometimes at 7pm, sometimes at 9pm. 

I don't mind teaching in the afternoon and evening so that I can use my morning time to go to fitness center, sometimes type something for my blog, and then make myself busy in front of computer, blogging and emailing, just like what I have been doing for more than four hours. :D

Today is Wednesday. I start teaching at 5pm and will finish around 8.30. Well well well ... I enjoy my time!!! :)

Waiting ...

maybe one day I can have you for my own
and maybe your heart can be my permanent home
I've waited so long to hold you in my arms
wen u hold me i know im safe from harm

I've waited so long to hold your hand
when we were apart my heart got jammed
I've waited so long to taste up kiss
ur sweet, gentle brushing lips

I've waited so long to feel your touch
I like it, i love it very much
Ive waited so long to be your girl
coz you are my whole wide world

I've waited so long for you to come to me
now you are here I'm really happy
I've waited so long to whisper in ur ear
all the words I've wanted you to hear

I've waited so long to go to bed with you
coz I love you, I love you, I love you

Robbed from blogland :)

 

Where is the last place you went?
Well, I just arrived at my office from home, then sat on this chair, turned on the computer, opened my mailbox and blogs. So, how am I supposed to answer this question? LOL.

Who is the last person you called?
Angie, my teenage daughter

Been cheated on?
Yup, by a pretty woman who used to be my private student, she used to call me her ‘soul mate’ then I found out, she cheated me!!!

Do you look like your mom or dad?
Once when looking at my own reflection on the mirror, I “found” my mom’s face there!!!

Do you have any siblings?
One brother, two years older, two sisters, four years and six years younger

Do you smile often?
Well, some years ago, my students nicknamed me, “Ms. Smile” but recently they changed the nick into “Ms. Black” coz I wear black clothes often. LOL.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Absolutely!!! I know some people always miss me and think of me. LOL. (very confident of me, huh? LOL)

Do you wish on stars?
Once I quickly prayed when I saw a falling star. But, oh now I already forget whether my dream came true? LOL.

Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
I have one pair of sneakers with tie on them. I usually wear them to do exercise. I seldom untie them. :) Another pair of sneakers I usually wear go to the office don’t have tie so no need that untying thing. LOL.

What is the most disgusting food you've ever eaten?
Fisherman’s friend candy!!! I will never never consume it anymore.

Would you kill someone?
This question reminds me of a short story “Rose for Emily” by William Faulkner. Well, I must admit sometimes I want to do what Emily did in the story—kill the one you love so that he will not leave you anymore, coz he will always be with you!!! LOL.(Do I really have guts to live with a corpse? That’s the question. LOL.

When did you last cry?
I don’t remember. But I always think that once in a while people need to cry, to let go the burden, the pain, or anything.

Do you like your handwriting?
Yes!!!

Are you a friendly person?
Recently I don’t think I am a friendly person; friendly only to my colleagues or friends. I am more a cynical person than friendly one.

Are you keeping a secret from the world?
I don’t think I keep a secret from the world.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Right now I am wearing a red T-shirt, with a long black dress and black blazer.

I can't wait to...
oh well … no idea right now :)

Look to your left. What's there?
A student who is having a consultation with me for her thesis. (I can work while having fun at the same time. LOL.)

Ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yup. As I said before, everybody needs to cry. The tears produced by our eyes when crying are healthy for our eyes. (Well, I forgot where I read about it.)

Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
I seldom show my sentimental emotion to people around me, moreover my tears, although I tell them that I cry sometimes.

Song that makes you cry?
Well, many actually, some are “Angel” by Sarah Mclachan, “Until I find you again” by Richard Marx, “Woman in Love” by Three Degrees, “Apakah Ada Bedanya” by Ebiet G. Ade.

Is your self-esteem extremely low?
Nope

Do you live in the past?
I am a kind of person who thinks that people cannot leave their past. However, it doesn’t mean that I live in the past. I let my past go.

Do you still long for someone gone?
Well missing someone gone is something natural and humane I think. Nothing wrong with that. But I don’t always miss those people who have gone from my life. Once in a while yes. Then? Let bygone be bygone.

Would you do anything for the person you are with?
Well, she is my student under my guidance in writing her thesis. Of course I will help her as best as I can to get the best result!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Last night I arrived home around 9pm. Angie was playing a game in the computer when I entered our bedroom. Probably she was bored to study, to prepare herself for the final examination at her school that will be held next week. 

We then got involved in a long chat; as usual we shared our experience we got on that day, she with her school friends mostly, and I with my activities at my workplace, sometimes with my colleague, sometimes with my students, sometimes with my blog friends, or sometimes I told her some cute posts I found or read from my friends' blogs.

Recently, I usually type something in my computer before going to bed. But last night, Angie asked me to accompany her on the bed, chatting. She said, "Mom, will you work on your computer later after I fall asleep? I want you to be here with me. Or will you sing for me to lullaby me like when I was still a baby?"

Oh how sweet ... And it really made me feel touched. So, I kept lying beside her, but I didn't sing for her coz I was not in a good mood to sing. We just continued chatting.

I remember about a week ago, Angie asked me to go home early from my workplace while usually she never complained about that. Well, I have been a very busy mother and didn't give her much attention so that she needed to 'remind' me like that?

I talked to Ralph about this, and he said that it was really a big sign that ANGIE NEEDS ME. And I really must pay attention to this sign, before everything becomes too late. It means before Angie really grows up to be adult and she becomes busy with all of her activities, probably the time when she no longer really needs me as her mother. Ralph convinced me that I would regret it if it happens to me one day.

Therefore, I forgot the articles I just downloaded from www.jurnalperempuan.com to read and analyze last night. I just went on listening to Angie's stories. And, not long after that, both of us felt sleepy. I cancelled to work on my computer. So I turned the computer and lamp off and Angie and I fell asleep together.

************

This morning, I woke up at 05.00am although the alarm of my cell phone rang at 4.30am. No problem lingering to lie on the bed for 30 minutes, right? :)

I started the day, as usual, to go to the restroom to do 'something' there. LOL. I didnt pray Subuh coz of nature calls for women. LOL. Then, I ironed some clothes and prepared something for breakfast for Angie and me.

After taking her to school, I went to fitness centre where I usually do my exercise--aerobics, some fitness, and swimming. I did aerobics only this morning. I usually go swimming on Sunday morning.
After taking the second shower (of course I was sweating all the way after doing the aerobics LOL), I was sitting on the computer, ready to read the articles I got the night before, while enjoying a cup of nescafe original (Well, I don't mean to promote anything here LOL). But gosh, I was very sleepy. I must admit that I often feel sleepy after doing some exercise. The coffee I got didnt help me alert. LOL. I didnt force myself to finish reading the articles I got, moreover writing something to post in my blog. :)
I really want to write something on 'polygamy' actually. Well, I dont know whether I will be in a good mood to do it today before teaching. :)

It is lunch time now. I will munch something to fill my stomach. :)

Monday, May 15, 2006

I was in a cyber cafe before this when opening this new blog of mine. I plan to write my daily activities here to make it different from what I usually post in my other blog "A Feminist Blog".

Why should I go to a cyber cafe while in fact I can go online in my office? The main reason is that the CPU at the office--the computer that I usually use to go online--is full of viruses!!! I don't want to transfer those viruses into my floppy disk of course, coz I don't want it to infect the CPU I have at home. :) The second reason is that sometimes the access of the computer in my office is very slow. Aha ... :) many people say "you use it free, what do you expect then? Just enjoy it." LOL.

After my arriving at the office, two students were waiting for me. They wanted to get my suggestion for the thesis they are going to write. This is one thing I love much in doing my job. Discussing literary work they are going to analyze for their thesis is really my cup of tea (apart from the fact that I love coffee too recently. LOL.) 

AFter spending some time with those two students discussing what they are going to write--including to decide which work they are going to analyze--I open my blogs. Well, besides here at blogspot, I also have a blog at blog.co.uk and at my friendster profile. It is not coz I am very creative to write, LOL, just in case I can gather more readers for my posts. :)

Before this, I usually type in my friendster profile when I want to type anything related to my daily activities. However, recently the computers in my office cannot access friendster easily. :( That's why I open this new blog where I just want to write my daily activities, and not really related to my being feminist. Well, if I can refer to a quite popular song in Indonesia entitled "Rocker is also a human being", I can also say "A feminist is also a human being." LOL. Not really creative, eh? LOL.

Well, I cannot write a lot here this time. I have to prepare myself to teach after this. Hope tomorrow I can write more here. :)

Enjoy your life there.

What is this life for?

 

Recently I often ask myself what this life is for; why God created all this universe is for; whether there will be really a life after death.

I just try to put myself in the shoes of those people who happen to be born in an area where they don't know any kind of indoctrination that all this universe was created by the SUPER POWER called God, that God send God's messengers to this world for the betterment of the human beings; that men are superior to women; that after all this universe vanishes, there will be another dimension of life, where people have to be responsible for whatever they have done during their life in the world; for that people will go to two different places; namely heaven and hell.

If I had been born in such a place where there is not authority called 'government' that oblige what people must do--such as pay taxes; people must get married in order to be responsible to their mate and kids; so it's a kind of force, and people don't feel responsible coz they make a choice in their life, what would I have become?

If I had been born in a place where people don't believe in any spiritual thing called religion--any celestial religion--what would I have become?

It reminds me of what John Lennon said in his song "Imagine"

Imagine there's no Heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world

 

Life is indeed mysterious, isn't it? Well, at least, for me, yes. :)